Dear Mercury Retrograde,
I hear by wish to inform you that your effects on this company have been less than desirable and therefor we are going to have to terminate you. You will not be getting 2 weeks notice, severance pay or a benefits package. Please make sure your desk is cleared out by the end of the business day today.We are sorry to have to do this during the holidays but you are ruining the lives of everyone around you because you're a big fat jerk. Lets face it, it's no secret that nobody likes you or wants you here in the first place.You will find a box under your seat for all of your belongings. Please make sure you take all of them with you, including all of the gifts you have given out this year of anxiety, miscommunication, false hope, confusion, anger and despair, among other things.
Make sure you leave your keys and badge with the desk man and leave quietly. We don't want a scene and would prefer not to have to escort you off the property. It would only draw attention from the rest of the staff and make you look like a bigger ass than you already are.
The Human Race