Thursday, April 19, 2018

A Place To Belong

I've been struggling to make this place feel like home. I've been here going on 6 months, and while it's quaint, adorable and "homey" something is still not quite right. It's an adorable barn style house out in the country, which if I do say is very much my style. We are frequented by wild turkeys, coyotes, skunks, raccoons, and who knows what else happens along while we sleep. Even though it isn't huge, it's adequate. With a little creative cramming for all that stuff I seem to drag along from place to place, I am sure I could make it work for a while. I've hung very little on the walls, which seems to be a thing I do until I feel comfortable enough to settle in. I've lived in places for 4 or 5 years before I'd actually feel grounded enough to hang up much more than a calendar. I guess in the back of my mind it feels temporary. I'm not sure if it's the gypsy blood that runs through my veins, or the tiny voice that keeps whispering "This is not your home".
I can't help but ask myself if it's the location or the people. Maybe a little of both. My brief stay up in the mountains was more of a home feeling than I'd ever had, yet I still did not belong. Perhaps someday I'll find my footing and plant my roots. Until then I suppose I am destined to wander the landscape searching for the place that I belong.

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Even Sometimes My Safe Place Feels Hostile

It's been some times since I've tapped these little keys and put my thoughts on screen. So much has happened, both good and bad, but here I am to tell you all about it (if you care to stick around and read). I haven't had much inspiration either, which is so unlike me. I will say I am only here to jot down some thoughts and air my personal grievances, mostly with myself. Who knows when I will be back after this. Hopefully sooner, rather than later. Here goes..
I'm angry! I'm angry and I trust no one. Not myself, not you, not anyone! Why? Well a lot of stuff has happened in the past so many years. A lot of not so great stuff. I guess it's left me a little jaded and suspicious of everyone around me. Ah, such is life, right? I'll spare you the gory details but I will say that once upon a time I trusted. I trusted so much more than I should have. I took everything at face value, and while the logical side of me know that not everyone was honest and forthcoming, I had no reason to be suspicious or mistrusting of the closest people in my life. That is, until my entire world crashed around me, and I found out the very person I should have been able to trust the most, betrayed me in ways that you would never even believe, even if I did tell you all the gory details. It is really one of those "can't make this shit up" stories.

Fast forward to now. Bearing the scars of all that crap, here I am a whole lot LESS trusting and MORE suspicious than is probably healthy. I sometimes lay awake at night just wondering who's going to stab me in the back next. Nobody escapes my suspicion either. Even the kid at the gas station gets a hairy eyeball when he hands back my change after I put gas in my car. It sucks. While I am working on it the very best I can, I feel like it's probably making my current relationships and friendships suffer. I've found myself in a new relationship with a great guy with a laundry list of his own baggage. I've cut off all my friends, mostly because they weren't really friends at all. I sit here and wonder what happened to human kind that the only safe places we have anymore are within the confines of our own minds? And even still, can those be trusted. Are they safe? I was thinking earlier how even sometimes my safe place feel hostile. The ebb and flow of life can really screw you up if you let it. Luckily I am a fighter. I fight for my own sanity, my own dignity, and my right to sit here behind my screen and not trust a damn soul.

One of these days I really hope I don't feel this way anymore. Time will tell I suppose. There really was no point to this particular blog post, except to say YAY I wrote something, even if it was horrible.  And two, I'm doing the best I can with the tools I have and those basically amount to not much.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Looking Back.... A Reminder

Looking back through my notes I came across this. It was written 6 years ago today. I felt like publishing it to my blog today because as busy as I have been, it was a well needed reminder to myself. I haven't written a blog post in quite a while. I really should get back to it.

I just had a friend send me a text message asking: why me? all I did was care.... and so I reminded her, and reminded myself as well:

Its all about the divine plan. we are all put here to learn life lessons and help others learn too. sometimes what we go through in the learning process sucks and is painful but, they are things we must experience in order to evolve.. I also think that part of the learning is to change the way you subconsciously draw things toward yourself. Once we have learned to recognize and realize our behavior, we can change what we put out, and therefore change what we receive back.... 
life is busy and I think we all forget from time to time. I needed this reminder today as much as my friend needed it...... time to stop, center and breathe and remember that you are all LOVED very much even in times of strife. 

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

To Heal Or Not To Heal....

Recently I came to the startling realization that not everyone who says they want to be helped actually wants to be helped. For quite a while now I've been pining over a client who has some serious mental issues that are manifesting into physical issues. Despite my efforts to offer a solution, which I know in my heart would ease the trauma and open up a path to true healing, my efforts have been in vain. For what ever reason I think that some people become so comfortable in their roles as victim the very thought of healing brings a flood of new and scary emotions. For example, if someone was afflicted with a debilitating disease and a doctor came to them and offered a 100% guaranteed fix for the illness, you would think that person would jump on the opportunity to be well again. This apparently is not the case, and as I've discovered is so much more complex than I have ever imagined it would be. To those of us that don't suffer from illness, injury or mental health issues it can be very confusing and near impossible for us to understand why anyone would hold onto the pain. Why on earth would someone NOT want to be well, healed and happy? I know that I certainly would not want to live a life of suffering, misery and reliance on others.

I think the answer lies in the frightening reality that if a person were to be totally well and healed they would then be forced to become productive members of society. They would no longer be able to blame their issues on any other source except themselves. They would have to function in a manner that society deems "normal". They would be forced into self-responsibility. I am certainly not a doctor but I do have a pretty good inclination through the assistance of the Universe and Spirit how to help others move forward toward the path to healing.

 I believe that sometimes we humans become so used to our afflictions that the very thought of living without them is simply terrifying. As a healer and intuitive this realization of knowing hit me like a two by four and I was completely blind-sided. I have invested so much time and energy into being able to help and heal others that the thought of having a client that refuses my help for fear of having to let go of their crutches just baffles me.... but apparently this was a message from the Universe for me to learn and a very important one. I can offer a helping hand but I cannot force anyone to accept it. Only those who truly want to help themselves can be assisted by others. 

Thank you Universe for once again bringing clarity to my life and helping me be the best that I can be.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Dear Mercury Retrograde You Are Fired!

Dear Mercury Retrograde,

I hear by wish to inform you that your effects on this company have been less than desirable and therefor we are going to have to terminate you. You will not be getting 2 weeks notice, severance pay or a benefits package. Please make sure your desk is cleared out by the end of the business day today.We are sorry to have to do this during the holidays but you are ruining the lives of everyone around you because you're a big fat jerk. Lets face it, it's no secret that nobody likes you or wants you here in the first place.You will find a box under your seat for all of your belongings. Please make sure you take all of them with you, including all of the gifts you have given out this year of anxiety, miscommunication, false hope, confusion, anger and despair, among other things.
Make sure you leave your keys and badge with the desk man and leave quietly. We don't want a scene and would prefer not to have to escort you off the property. It would only draw attention from the rest of the staff and make you look like a bigger ass than you already are.

The Human Race