Friday, October 15, 2010

Knock Knock.... Anybody Home?

My path to spirituality is dotted with many pot holes, speed bumps and naps along the way. I was raised by a Lutheran mother and a non-practicing Roman Catholic father. My mom, sisters and I went to church on Sunday's, we were in Sunday school and I was in the choir. I loved nothing more than choir practice and singing at Sunday services. I tried really hard to get into my Sunday school teachings but to be honest it never really made much sense to me. I can remember having to memorize the books of the bible as one of our lessons. We would be tested on this subject, and rewarded with a star or a cookie if we could memorize them all. Unfortunately I could never get past the book of Joshua despite my rigorous studies. I can remember the other kids in class making fun of me because I simply could not memorize the names in order like all of them could. I seriously thought there was something wrong with me. This, coupled with my mom's favorite saying being  "God will get you". It's still her favorite saying to this very day. I felt as if God was some sort of boogieman hiding under my bed or in my closet just waiting for me to screw up so he could come out and "get me." These are bone chilling thoughts when you're a child and really have no idea who this God person is, or how to actually create a relationship with him like you're told you should. I also never understood who this trio of holy folks were that our pastor would speak so highly of during service. "The Father"? ok I got that one, it's GOD... easy. "The Son"? Wait, that's aka for Jesus right? But then there's that last one, the "Holy Ghost". WHAT? There's GHOSTS in church? That simply can't be right! My 7 year old brain was now convinced that God was the boogieman and ghosts attended church with us and that it was okay with this Jesus fella, who apparently used to be a regular guy, right up until they nailed him up on that wooden cross for crimes that escaped my mind. (We won't even get into how Mary fits into the picture) So now I'm afraid that these holy ghosts are going to follow me home and tell the boogieman where to find me. I'm completely terrified by this point. I still went to choir practice on Wednesdays, Sunday School and service on Sundays and occasionally would volunteer to be in a church play or some other extra churchy activity. I remember thinking that if I kept doing everything they told us to do as God-loving children, and maybe went a little beyond, that I would magically figure out what the heck everyone was talking about and what exactly was so amazing about having a relationship with this God person. I was also troubled by things that I could not explain, such as hearing voices, seeing things nobody else could see, and knowing stuff that I could not explain how I knew. I was convinced that if I had an actual relationship with God, like they have all been talking about, none of this would be happening. I felt as though I was damaged merchandise.
I attended this church right up until I entered the 7th grade, at which time we moved to another town. We never went to a regular church as a family after our move. I occasionally would go to service with friends, but each time I attended a new church I ended up having the same questions... God? Jesus? And Ghosts... and what was worse,  my friends would ask me if I accepted Jesus as my lord and savior. Talk about completely confused now, because I thought that GOD was our savior. Oh man, someone changed the rules on me.
I basically abandoned all hopes of a God-filled life, only occasionally attending a service or mass with friends and always leaving feeling more lost than before.

 It wasn't until my mid 20's that I had a sort of spiritual awakening. I had a very profound dream about God, the Universe and creation. The next Sunday I went to the nearest church I could find. I was just sure that God was talking to me. Imagine my disappointment when I didn't find God at the church, at least not at the same time the service was going on. I decided to go to the library and see if I could find some books on various religions. I thought that maybe I could find God at another church or in another faith. Perhaps I just hadn't looked in the right place yet. I ended up reading every single book I could get my hands on in regards to religion. Eastern religion, Western religion, made-up religion, etc. and after a long search settled somewhere in the realm of Earth religion and Paganism. It seemed to be logical to me that God was in everything around us and that all I had to do was look out the window to find the magic and mystery that I'd been searching for all along. I started looking at life in a whole new way. I found wonder and magic in everything around me. I really felt as though my relationship with God through nature was starting to unfold and I was excited.

My research and worship of nature continued for many years. I read everything I could get my hands on. I researched like a mad scientist, sucking in all of the knowledge and storing it away for a rainy day. I continued on my path until my mid 30's when life went spiraling out of control. I went through a pretty nasty divorce and what I like to call a pre mid-life crisis. I grabbed my kids and we retreated. In doing so I kind of put my search for and my relationship with God on hold as I felt it wasn't really important to put my energy into my spirituality at that time. Life went on and for the most part things just kind of fell into routine for us, not paying any attention to our lack of spirituality. I was even able to suppress my intuition, albeit not intentionally.

About a year ago something happened. It was as if God, the Universe was tapping on my head saying WAKE UP! Anybody home? Knock knock, your vacation is over. With that the strange occurrences I had experienced as a child came back a hundred-fold. I started hearing voices, as if I'd stepped into a radio shop and every single radio was on at the same time, set to different channels at different volumes. The images and mini-movies would flood my mind with each person I'd come in contact with. It's almost like watching home movie clips of their lives in my head. I started having dreams of the most profound nature. I started traveling in my sleep and when I would wake up in the morning I felt as though I had never gone to sleep at all. I felt as though someone ripped off my safe little door to the Universe and tossed it away. There was no way for me to close it so I started researching again. This time I would rely on instinct while at the book store or library. If there was a subject I was supposed to research the books would be almost illuminated on the shelves. The subjects weren't like anything I'd really been interested in before. The subjects were a lot about healing, energy work, the cosmos, angels, spirit guides and even ghosts. I even found myself doing a bit of research on quantum mechanics. I was definitely past the point of no return. There was no going back to my "head under the blankets" life. The Universe and yes God spoke loud and clear to me. They told me that I have a clear and concise task. I must help others find their own path and their own way to Spirit through healing and love because love is the only way to raise our vibrations high enough to heal the damage we have done as humans, to ourselves and our planet. 

I'm so glad I was home to answer the door when they knocked!

3 comments:

  1. I can count on one hand the number of times I've gone to church. My parents will tell you that they're Christian, but it wasn't ever talked about in our house. I remember asking my father what kind of car had the fish emblem.

    The couple of times I went I gathered that when you were bad you were crucified... but if you wore the little death machine (the crucifix) you would be 'saved'.

    And the three times I have EVER been to sunday school-- I was six or seven too, I got in trouble for asking "those kind of questions"~ the ones where the answer is always "God works in mysterious ways"

    I totally get where you're coming from!

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  2. Think we just had " that talk" we keep saying we need to do

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